Fucking waiting

Have you ever wanted something so much it hurts and it's so close but you have to wait?

I'm doing that now, waiting for an email that could change my life. If that email says yes then I'm going to be over the moon but it just isn't arriving despite what was said. I think I may be waiting until Monday but I'm making myself sick over this.

I need to think positive thoughts and tell this sickening worry and anticipation to bugger off and leave me alone. I can't eat, I'm surprised I can sleep (two of my favourite things) and I'm checking my emails every five minutes despite the fact that I get really obvious notification messages if an email comes through.

This is worse than the last time I went through this. Does that mean I want it more or that I hate my current situation?

I need to get my life on track. I need to receive that email, get a yes and realise all my dreams. I would then have to tell two people I actually like quite a lot that I'm going to be leaving them. There may be tears. But only if I get this email saying 'we want you'. If I don't then it's back to pretending that this is perfect and that everyone should be jealous of me.

I wish I could tell you all the scrummy details but even though this blog is secret (and no one fucking reads it anyway), I'd rather not jinx stuff.

Sorry for my vagueness. Catharsisok?