Why in fuck do I feel miserable?

Here's the scenario. Tonight I'm having a birthday meal, drinks and Wii-based celebrations. I then have a whole week off and I'm expecting some ace presents from some awesome people.

But I feel shitty and miserable. Why oh fucking why? How does that even make sense. I guess it partial trepadation. Tomorrow we are scattering the ashes of Mr. Wilde's grandma. Mr. Wilde is also going to see his grandfather at the chapel of rest. Then on my actual birthday it's his grandfather's funeral - which it seems no one is going to.

I think this will lead to grumpy Mr. Wilde during a week where I'm going to want to play with him, hug him and party a little bit. Already this morning he was a bit grumpy, although he did say that he was just tired. I'm so worried that tonight he'll be a grumpy bum.

I'm just expecting this whole birthday experience to be shit and that makes me feel beyond terrible. But why should it, people are going out of their way to provide me with awesomeness.

I know what it is. Last year I was 21. I had the best (slightly lesbian-filled) birthday party ever. I had a Star Trek pumpkin cared in my honour, a slashy Star Trek cake, loads of friends, booze and food! My Dad also came to the party that we held at the house of my Mum and step-Dad. My grandad was also there. I miss him.

Mr. Wilde presented me with a tiny map with some writing on that was the beginning of our America trip. Those following months we planned and planned up until June when we jetted off to the most amazing two weeks I have ever experienced.

What in fuck would ever top that? Nothing I tell you!

I don't want to top it and I don't expect to but funerals, ash scatterings and general depression is a whole world away from that excitement.

Hopefully once I get to Mummy Wilde's tonight I'll feel better. I can get some vodka in me. Snuggle with my man, eat lots of food (including spicy root and lentil bake, which sounds amazing.) Grandma Wilde will also be there. And hopefully my bro will make an appearance.

Bring on November so I can get down and dirty with NaNoWriMo!

Feel free to comment and tell me to stop being a cunt.


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